never play flip cup with pint glasses
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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