sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
