Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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