I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
