smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
