I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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