Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
