He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
