Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
