I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
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Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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