I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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