No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
