Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
