to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
