1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
