I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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