i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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