Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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My boob is missing a layer of skin
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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