Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
