i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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