Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
