My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
