Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
