my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
