you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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