I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm like, not good at living.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
