so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
