What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
