Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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