Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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