When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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