In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
