It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
