Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
