Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Is it because I queefed?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
