So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
