my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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