hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
