Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
