i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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