i think my tv is drunk
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
