I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
