You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
