Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
