i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
