Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
