so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
