Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
