i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
