I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
