insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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