new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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