If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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