I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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