Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
