walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
