I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
