we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
