Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
