im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
