Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
