Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
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