he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize