is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
sarcasm needs its own font
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
