All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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