she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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